so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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