Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
