Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize