You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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