Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
