i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
