What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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