Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
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And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
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Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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