If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
