Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
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No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
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So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
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