you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
