paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
