im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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