I like my sex mixed with concussions.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My penis needs a shock collar
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
