peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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