If that was your dad, he is hot
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
