i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
