when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
