News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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