I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
this boner is exhausting
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
