Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
