If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
