dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
