I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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