I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
last night I used snow as a chaser
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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