So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
