I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He passed out mid-signature
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
