Apparently you make a good broom.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
