He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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