That's intense
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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