As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
