Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
