I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
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i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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