I'm lost and stupid without you.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
