Just fell off a train. Bad.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
