Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You dont lie about slip and slides
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
