I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
