Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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