u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
