I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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