I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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