I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Boobs speak an international language.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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