i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
