Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
