I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
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