9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
