did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
