Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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