I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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