i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
