I want you more than these girls want KFC
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
