I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
