Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I understand Curling. That high.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
