Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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