You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
