I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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