I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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