i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
