they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
