I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
