just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
