you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
