So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
